Not much to say today. I had a great day- figures how a good day equals less blogging. I went to an awesome jazz lecture, which I recorded, so I'll try to figure out how to podcast it. There was a three person band there, who kept demonstrating what the lecturer meant by things. Some of it was way over my head, but I learned some things. Like I didn't realize that when I was listening to Charlie Parker I was listening to Bee Bop- I didn't realize Bee Bop was a reference to jazz at all. Somehow, sitting there, with that amazing music, calmed my nerves quite a bit. I talked to my dad and he encouraged me to go to the psychiatrist- which surprised me and made me think maybe I should strongly consider it. He said that aside from the fact that he loves me, he thinks I have a lot of talents to share with the world, and it would be a shame if I got sidetracked because of poor health or anxiety. I didn't know he thought that, it was so sweet, it was all I could do to not tear up on the bus. He also said that age has given him wisdom, and that the goal is to keep living, and to live at your highest quality- which includes highest mental quality. I still haven't made the appointment, but he was very convincing, and so nice! Oh, also, is it a full moon? The wackos came into the bookstore tonight- making it a very fun evening. I also connected with a person that I've met a number of times, but never had a chance to have a long conversation with. We talked for a long time today, and it was great. God, my cat just won't keep coming and going out the door. I am trying to keep it closed because the laundry machine is so loud, but she cries from the inside and cries from the outside! Spoiled kitty. I think D is mad because he cleaned the apartment- I'm not sure why I think that, except that I don't do it...

Panics

Well, I went to the doctor today, at the urging of my boyfriend and therapist, and found out what was going on. What felt like chest contrictions, etc, was esophagul spasms, from an excess in stomach acid and indigestion, brought on by stress (or no stress, as my case entailed- I guess you would call it residual stress). She said that the pain and difficulty breathing could easily induce panic, because its freakin scary. They did an EKG- which means they attached electrodes to my chest and then a print out of my heart rythems were produced by a machine. I need to take a acid pill every morning, take some Mylanta if things feel contricted again, in order to smooth the spasms, and I need to be very careful what I eat. I had soup and the turkey part of the turkey burger tonight- I think that was okay. She also wants me to consider going on anti-anxiety medication. She said I needed to make an appointment with the psychiatrist and I needed to explore my options. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, these bodily stress indicators pop up so suddenly for me, and so dramatically, that I can only imagine what is going on beneath the surface everyday, and I'd like to relieve some of that pressure on my body. I mean, I quit drugs cuz it ages you- I'd certainly rather age having a good time than having such a difficult time! On the other hand, I'm really scared of regulating my body to a chemical, gaining weight, and losing my ability to monitor what's going on with myself in a natural state. I mean, I don't even like the birth control pill and would rather risk pregnancy than submit control to a chemical. I am always on high alert for symptoms that might be like my mother's, and I don't want to mask symptoms, or start to rely on medication when I am still in my twenties. Also, I don't think people truly understand what these chemicals do. Now that I am in a PhD program, and see how many dumbasses there are around me, and I can't spell worth a sh*t, the power of MDs have been really demystified for me. They are smart people who went to school for a long time, but they are not god-like- which is how I think I viewed them before. It just worries me, but I don't want to be this run down during the day, and hyper at night, and constantly in pain and on the verge of a meltdown, and I don't want to melt down. I also don't want to be a zombie- but I think the medications are probably streamlined enough at this point that my risk lies more in weight gain and sexual disintrest, rather than zombie-ville. This all makes me really frustrated and angry. I don't want to deal with this. I just want it all to go away. I don't have time...But I just can't catch my breath.

Super awesome lecture by Sergey Brin of Google. I find these discussions so interesting. I wish I knew how to make a clean website that could link to these things. Here it is

Acid Reflux

So, here it is again. I thought this situation in my life was over. Last year, when I got stressed, I started getting this acid reflux thing. I went to the doctor, I got a therapist, and I started acupuncture, I also took some time off from everything over the summer, and chilled out, and the acid reflux thing stopped. I was so happy and felt really good starting this school year. Now, here we are again, I'm stressed, I have papers to grade, I feel disorganized, things are piling up, and suddenly my chest feels constricted, it feels like I have to think every breath in order to breathe it. My stomach hurts and is grumbling, food feels like I'm swallowing fire, and I am very very emotional. I'm comforting myself by thinking I am pmsing a bit, and possibly overreacted to the fact that I couldn't figure out how to scan a document and turn it into a PDF today, but this is uncomfortable. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so much in control. Like, I've seen people have panic attacks and have been taken off in ambulances to get the attention they need, and they are sent in the right directions in order to get help. I feel too smart for my own good sometimes. Like, I know this is an emotional reaction, and that I am not having a heart attack, and that I am not actually experiencing trouble breathing. I am aware that it will pass, and that I can probably even talk myself out of it if I could gain a little perspective. I am not out of options, and I could still easily drive myself to the hospital if it gets worse. I'm so damn rational and in control, which is why this situation drives me so crazy. I can rationalize away what is happening, but I can't stop it from happening. I wish I could just let go, and freak out. I wish I wasn't the strong one all the time. When I was young I used to just lose it, like a maniac. I want to lose it. Why can't I control it all, or nothing? It is so uncomfortable.
I looked up some sites and found a lot of websites describing stress and telling you to calm down. thanks. That doesn't really help. I realize the problem. I did find one- For stress information, and to learn how to measure indicators, a nice website is: http://www.teachhealth.com/. To quote:

WHAT OVERSTRESS FEELS LIKE...You may also feel quite anxious. All these strange changes in your body. Why can't I sleep? Why do I ache all the time? Am I having a heart attack? What is happening to me? It is not uncommon for persons who are experiencing the strange changes in their body caused by Happy Messenger failure to have periods of panic. It is during these so-called "panic attacks" that you feel as if you can not catch your breath. The heart races in panic, the muscles ache and pain all over the chest. You may even get light-headed. You may have stomach upset and diarrhea. Stress has caused your body to behave in strange and difficult ways. Under these circumstances, anxiety and fear are not at all unexpected.

My photo is from this site as well.
I just want some relief, not more words.