girls like me

See, everybody made fun of my sister because she got engaged six months after my mom's suicide. As if she is weak, and can't be alone and dealt with the death this way. Then she started her own family, and was cruel to me, the only one who understood, in the process. The wedding was so hard for me, because I was jealous of the love and attention she was getting, love and attention that I so desperately needed, albeit in a different form from a ridiculously overpriced wedding. It was also hard on me because she withdrew. She is the only one to can relate to the childhood we shared, and she took herself away from me. Not only did I not receive the love I needed last year, but I lost some. I ended up at a deficit. Plus, I'm not that much better than her. My relationship at the time was only six months old. D is an amazing person, and possibly the person I belong with at this point in my life, but it certainly fast forwarded the relationship in some ways, brought out some of the crazies in my life sooner than they would have been brought out, and masked some of the problems. I often have a sense in my relationship with D that he is having a relationship with somebody that isn't me. Whenever I try to verify this feeling, I am proven wrong and it is illustrated for me how well he knows me, and how much he cares. So I can't figure out what this feeling is. I worry it is basic incompatibility, that has been masked by the roles we took up when my mom killed herself- me: damaged, sad, depressed, needy girl, Him: strong, savior, thoughtful guy. I think these roles were good for him, because he was so needed. I needed him so bad, and felt so alone. My friends were no good to me, my sister disappeared fairly quickly after that, and I was on the other side of the country from a world I understood, and needed him. Now things are changing, have been changing, for a while. Girls like me, who've been through the ringer, we are so happy when somebody is nice to us, that we don't expect anything more. All my boyfriends have loved dating me, because I am so excited they are nice to me, and they are nice to me, that I don't ask for much more. I don't date jerks- I am so lucky that I am not so damaged as to seek out people who are mean to me, or hit me or something. I date nice guys, and I dump them after a little bit because I'm so disgusted by their puppy dog acts, by their knowledge that I'm so thrilled that they are being nice to me that I'll do anything to keep that niceness up. That's the thing. D's dog slept in the bed with us for the full first year and a half we were dating. He took up space and jerked around in his sleep. It kept me up all night, and I didn't say a word, except that I didn't sleep over when I had something to do in the morning, which always worried me, because I didn't like to disappoint my boyfriend if he wanted me to sleep over. When we moved in together, I used the excuse of a white comforter to keep the dog off the bed. I realized yesterday, that D keeps me up at night, every night, as well. He jerks around and grinds his teeth, and I wake up in the morning feeling so angry, and I never said anything until yesterday, because he was a jerk in his sleep the night before when i told him to stop grinding his teeth, and it upset me enough that I said something in the morning. Like I feared, he was upset to be accused of being a jerk when it wasn't his fault. He reared into defensive, and I realized I had never said anything like this before. He knew he ground his teeth and that I stopped him in his sleep- but he didn't psychicly know how much it disturbed me... I'm not sure where I'm going with this...
Well, today's fight, he cancelled my birthday dinner because he forgot he cut up his credit card earlier in the month, and he ordered a new one, and we would have dinner then. It was the strangest moment. He had been out of town on my birthday, something I had been incredibly understanding about, and he got me a computer book, something I had taken in stride, even though all I want from him is a nice card and a free show at the museum. Then, when he got back, he said nothing for two days. I decided that I've learned that I don't always tell him what i want, so I sent him some events that were coming up the Saturday and labeled it "birthday ideas". He yelled from the next room that he was going to be busy Saturday and wouldn't be able to do it. I sat there in nothingness, not because he couldn't do it, but because he felt totally confident that I would be cool with his yelling from the next room. And he was right, because I said nothing. Then, despite how busy he is, he left to go play a game for the team he is a part of. He must have realized when he was gone that he hadn't done anything, nor said anything, about my birthday, because he really is very sensitive, and when he came home, he got on one knee, and asked me out to dinner. It was cute, I forgave him, and we made plans for Friday. Today, I was sitting on the couch, drinking my coffee, thinking about what to wear and where we should go, and if I should wash my hair now or later, and he casually, again, told me about cutting up the credit card, guess we'll have to do it later. Again, I'm cool and understanding- not like other girls, high maintenance selfish girls, I should be understanding of his embarrassment of having money problems, and go with the flow. I didn't. And he was so mad he broke dishes. He broke dishes! He said I was a spoiled little brat and so on. This is why I'm scared. I don't even want to go to an expensive dinner. I want a card telling me he loves me. I want to go to a free show at the museum. I want him to know me, to date me, to love me, and i feel like he is dating somebody else, somebody who wants all the things I don't even desire. He yelled at this other person, was red with fury, and I ran into the bedroom. Then we spent nearly two hours not understanding each other. He and i are such different people. Yes, I like nice dinners, because I can slow him down at them, enjoy several hours of his time, get his complete attention, dream about the future. If I could get that in any ANY other setting, i would prefer it, because I am sick of butter covered vegetables and roasted animals that I could cook better at home. He went on about how he does all the cleaning at home, and is always happy to pick me up or drop me off places, how he is the most considerate boyfriend, and how I have some nerve implying that he isn't. Even when we got past the spoiled brat stuff, and the fact that money isn't the issue, he still doesn't understand. He thinks I shouldn't dwell on the negative, that I should appreciate the good, etc. He's right, and I do do that, but I can't help but feel that I don't want the dishes done, I don't want the puppy dog, I want a man who writes me a card telling me how he really feels, I want to know he wants to date ME, not a girl he has invented, or a girl so damaged she molds into whatever he wants. I'm so scared, he is the best guy I have ever known, and I keep fearing that I'm so messed up that I can't sustain a relationship, but we value different things, we have different needs, I'm not even sure I'm doing the best for him that somebody could. He is so wonderful, and I don't want to let him go, but there are some things you can't explain, and I'm not sure what to do. And, of course, my best friends are in different time zones (China, Paris, and Los Angeles) and I'm just not sure I fit in in the world D and I have created here.

Election day
And boy am I confused
Aside from the rain that soaked my shoes, and my boyfriend who didn't want to hand deliver me to school today so I had to walk from where he parked next to his building, and a sister who didn't so much as send a birthday card this weekend, even though I took out a LOAN (!!!) to cover the expenses of her wedding in September, and the general frustration with my weight, I feel overwhelmed by the infertility of the electoral system. I realize that I'm supposed to say that I am rushing to the polls in a desperate attempt to reistate the Democrats into Congress, etc, which could give them vital seats in the investigatory committee researching the infractions of the current administration, the war, and the internal terrorist witch hunt (activists), but I am having a hard time believing democrats would do any of these things in actuality. I have no evidence in my lifetime of a politician doing anything but screwing people over- including the Democrats' hero- Bill Clinton- who single handedly slashed welfare and who's murderous regime is only dwarfed by the current administration. I am soooo frustrated, and wish I had a creative, and mainstream, idea for stirring people, including myself, out of paralyzing apathy. Sure, I could serve food to starving people, or facilitate academic research on social justice- but I already do these things, and some days these activities make me feel good, and like the world isn't run by greedy people, but today, it just isn't settling this nagging feeling inside of me that my father will go bankrupt again in his lifetime and policy will again make this bankrupty morally and financially even more devestating on him than the original circumstances that messed him up. And I will be paying thousands more for my education than the rich because of the interest rates on my loans, loans that I was not allowed to consolodate this summer when the rates went up because I am a current student. And I think the poverty rate will continue to drop at the rate it is growing, and that the devestating poverty rate will grow even more, and that the middle class will continue to get screwed- not by an overburdoned welfare system that only makes up 2% of our federal budget, but by a upper class that refuses to pay fair taxes, hates and blames the poor, steals from the middle class retirement plans, and provides corporate welfare to their buddies, which further corrupts and devestates the system. It makes me want to explode and I'm not sure what to do with this energy except turn it inward and get super depressed. Oh, and question my relationship because D doesn't go with me to meetings and lectures, and doesn't particpate in the only network that gives me any hope- the activist network. I want to change the world, not out of a religious dedication to the poor, but out of the feeling that if the world improves for those who are suffereing the most, perhaps it will change for us all. Oh, and basic, fair, minimum wage- why is that such a battle? Also- why do these issues feel so complicated? It seems so simple to be nice- yet at the lecture today people were so angry, and fighting over whether business and politicians were involved in a conspiracy to screw the poor. Such a boring fight! It isn't that complicated. Humans serve themselves and their families- it is why we have safeguards in an economic situation like our own that rewards individualism and hierarchy- we are safeguarding capitalism with the welfare system- why are capitalists so against it? Why don't they realize that keeping people from falling to complete destitution actually helps the system survive? We are all together in this, and just the health consequences of poverty alone should motivate those with more means to try to bring up the poverty level- I mean, it costs the middle class so much money to solve problems. Money they don't have- because in any other formation outside of the United States, these so called "middle class" would be divided differently, and many of them would qualify as lower class, and they are bearing the brunt of corporate greed and the consequences of poverty! Wow, a rant. I actually feel a little better. Hope that made sense.

Wow
I feel like I have worked all day, and have accomplished next to nothing. It is just one of those days where no matter how much I scamble, its like I'm on a treadmill and not getting anywhere. Except I'm not on a treadmill, and totally just ate a WHOLE box of cherry chocolates! There isn't even a treadmill in the forcast tomorrow. I'm just not on top of my game- kind of scrambling. Still, today was my birthday and even though D had to leave town becuase of a pretty critical health issue in the family, I have had quite a nice day. Several of my friends cooked me a great dinner, I caught my pets accidently cuddling, and every single one of the a**hole relatives that usually ignore me on my birthday, called. I've never had so many phone calls from my family- I really appreciate it. I even spoke to my crazy aunt for a full hour- and she didn't once imply that my mother's suicide was my, or my father's fault- a first for us. Also, my grandparents and Uncle's family called and actually sang Happy Birthday! That hasn't happened in a decade! I can barely get a civil word out of them. It's funny, my sister's wedding was a yucky experience for me for a lot of reasons- the main ones being that I saw the worst in my sister and was very disappointed in her, and the other was that it turns out she does not have my back as much as I thought she did, or as much as I have hers- which has been a devestating realization. I have actually mourned the loss of my sister (she called me twice today to let me know her wedding photos have been updated- and never even sent a birthday card, let alone a thank you note/e-mail/head nod of acknowledgement for all the damn work I put into her wedding). But anyways, the unexpected perk of her wedding was that I had a really fun time seeing many of my relatives, and they didn't even seem to judge me for being thirty pounds overweight! And now they have called, when they never did before. A very nice turn of events. It is amazing how much of your self-esteem can be caught up in your family. I need to remember this for the future, because I'm not sure they realize how much their opinion matters to me, and I will probably matter one day to a younger generation. A very nice day, felt like even my mom was happy for me. I actually felt like I was in my own body today too. Growing up I used to always have to thank my mom for having me on my birthday, I had to call her before she called me crying about how much she had done for me in her life- and while last years birthday was so hard, because my body came from her body, and her body has died and has been buried, and that was a difficult thing for me to grapple with. But this year, for the first time, it feels like my body, and I can own it, and while I am greatful for all the things people have done for me, I don't owe people anything aside from the love I feel for them. I am my own person. I didn't realize birthdays could feel like this. I'm burning a candle for my mother right now, but it is because I love her and I appreciate her, not because I owe her.