Wow
I feel like I have worked all day, and have accomplished next to nothing. It is just one of those days where no matter how much I scamble, its like I'm on a treadmill and not getting anywhere. Except I'm not on a treadmill, and totally just ate a WHOLE box of cherry chocolates! There isn't even a treadmill in the forcast tomorrow. I'm just not on top of my game- kind of scrambling. Still, today was my birthday and even though D had to leave town becuase of a pretty critical health issue in the family, I have had quite a nice day. Several of my friends cooked me a great dinner, I caught my pets accidently cuddling, and every single one of the a**hole relatives that usually ignore me on my birthday, called. I've never had so many phone calls from my family- I really appreciate it. I even spoke to my crazy aunt for a full hour- and she didn't once imply that my mother's suicide was my, or my father's fault- a first for us. Also, my grandparents and Uncle's family called and actually sang Happy Birthday! That hasn't happened in a decade! I can barely get a civil word out of them. It's funny, my sister's wedding was a yucky experience for me for a lot of reasons- the main ones being that I saw the worst in my sister and was very disappointed in her, and the other was that it turns out she does not have my back as much as I thought she did, or as much as I have hers- which has been a devestating realization. I have actually mourned the loss of my sister (she called me twice today to let me know her wedding photos have been updated- and never even sent a birthday card, let alone a thank you note/e-mail/head nod of acknowledgement for all the damn work I put into her wedding). But anyways, the unexpected perk of her wedding was that I had a really fun time seeing many of my relatives, and they didn't even seem to judge me for being thirty pounds overweight! And now they have called, when they never did before. A very nice turn of events. It is amazing how much of your self-esteem can be caught up in your family. I need to remember this for the future, because I'm not sure they realize how much their opinion matters to me, and I will probably matter one day to a younger generation. A very nice day, felt like even my mom was happy for me. I actually felt like I was in my own body today too. Growing up I used to always have to thank my mom for having me on my birthday, I had to call her before she called me crying about how much she had done for me in her life- and while last years birthday was so hard, because my body came from her body, and her body has died and has been buried, and that was a difficult thing for me to grapple with. But this year, for the first time, it feels like my body, and I can own it, and while I am greatful for all the things people have done for me, I don't owe people anything aside from the love I feel for them. I am my own person. I didn't realize birthdays could feel like this. I'm burning a candle for my mother right now, but it is because I love her and I appreciate her, not because I owe her.