Breakthrough alert

So, I just realized why I've been so obsessed with babies and getting married lately. For one, my sister just got married and it hadn't occurred to me, really, to do that before, so I'm inspired and like the idea. But I just realized that there is more (which I suspected when I though it was only inspired by my sister, I mean, I'm not exactly the domestic type, I'd rather spent $700 on a designer dress and never enter one of those-gag- bridal shops in my whole life- is it me or do they truly smell bad? Like dirty diapers, like the worst kind of foreshadowing). I think what it is more about is that I can accomplish marriage and family. I've avoided it for years because I've always known it was available to me. I say I'm a bad girlfriend, but in a lot of ways I'm a good one, and I've narrowly avoided marriage several times- first when I was 19 (which is why I was so jealous at my sister's wedding- I want to throw a party for myself for NOT getting married). I am far more scared of not finishing my PhD. It is far more of a challenge, and feels foreign. I can't picture my life in five years, which scares me, while I could picture life with a child and a husband. I don't know if I want to be an academic because I don't fit in here, but that seems like it shouldn't matter- just gotta find a tougher, less kiss ass, crowd. I'm reading an article about dissertation writing, and realizing that not picturing the future is the scariest part. I mean, I always have a plan. Ever since I was a kid. I knew I had to get out, and college got me out and paid rent, then I knew I had to go home, and bartending helped me take care of my sister and try to get my mom help, then I knew I had to grow up, and graduate school had always seemed like a great goal, and non corporate to boot. Now I'm confused. My mom finally killed herself, my sister grew up, and I'm doing this for me. for me. And I can't picture the future. Which is very uncomfortable. At least picturing children makes it less about me. And I've never accomplished something just for me. I often get a lot of credit for how much I've done for my family, and even for not ending up more screwed up than I am. I get credit in grad school sometimes for obviosly being a bit from the wrong side of the track (although this pains me a lot more frequently), yet all of these accomplishments are about survival, not about fufillment of goals. I stayed at the line for my whole life, which is an accomplishment, but I'd like to go above the line for once. Accomplish something without that "despite hardships" clause hooked in. Still, people are amazed I wrote most of my master's last year, when i was in the dark so deep about my mom's suicide. Another accomplishment despite. Children would provide the same "despite". I'd like to do something without a martyership involved. Maybe thats crazy, maybe I should just pop some out- i'd be a good mom, and that would feel good. should I tell D? ;) i love him. oh, probably the other reason I think about marriage- I am actually willing to marry him- the first for me...