So, I went to a Bar-B-Q festival today. I had a really good time, but I have a pretty bad stomach ache. I am not from the South, so I am pretty determined to try every type of food I see at these festivals, because I've never had them before, and I don't think I can justify having many of them again (I mean, please, I gain weight by taking the short cut past burger king). The funnel cake is what did me in today. I mean, it tastes good, but I'm pretty sure my body is not meant to process it. For all those like me who do not know what Funnel cake is, I watched it being made. Picture four deep fryers full of steaming oil, a man with a pitcher of batter, and he basically pours the batter into the oil, and it solidifies and fries. I'll try to find a picture. Then you add powdered sugar and eat the whole damn thing. I was kind of out of breath afterwords, and D said the powder all over the front of me was "the opposite of sexy, while still being sexy". That's a diplomatic insult right there! Here is a photo of a funnel cake:
Anyways, the festival was really pretty fun, but the highlight, even better than the BMX show, was the lumberjack show. These people are pretty hard core! I even saw a pregnant woman win one of the competitions, and she was damn tough herself! Basically people race in different events, and then the winner, after preliminary times and stuff, gets to stand on one of those elevated steps with the other top contenders and wins a trophy. A trophy! I want a trophy. I also saw the queen of the festival walking around with her parents with a huge crown on. A crown! I want a crown. I can see how all of this would be really fun, although I had a hard time keeping a staight face with all the explanations of wood- "got to keep it lubricated so it can cut deep", "moving the wood back and forth quickly, and then slowing down for a bit is the best way to cut", signs that said, "Show me your wood". Nobody was laughing but our group, so I guess we are the only ones who are age 5. Here is a photo of one of the competitions:

I also saw the worlds tiniest living horse- which was incredibly depressing. The best quote was when a girl stepped up to answer a trivia question and was asked if she was related to anybody in the competition and she answered, "Them ain't my kin", which actually had to be translated for the crowd, let alone me. My favorite moment, though, was passing by a shoe repair store heading back to the car. Here is the sign on the door- note, this was a store that had nothing to do with guns:

So, I'm still not totally clear what I'm allowed to say and what I'm not allowed to say on this blog. I realize there are limits on images, and owned intellectual property. I also sense that I should watch my language, or at least disguise it. I'm pretty sure there aren't many people looking at this, but I want to say, that sometimes I think about things that are slightly upsetting, and if you, reading, are a person who gets slightly upset, this may be the time to stop reading. I only want to express myself, and I don't know how. I've been looking for a year and a half to express myself, and its only come out in inappropriate bursts, usually in a proffessional context, or not at all. I go up on highs where I am so happy with my life and where everything is going, and then I fly down to lows where I question my relationship and I feel so lonely, and I can't escape my thoughts, and my own body begins to turn on me- my jaw and shoulders start to cramp up, my belly gets upset, and acid begins to build in my chest and throat. These are usually the first signs to me that I am under stress, I've learned to avoid my brain so well, that it can't tell me anymore. It can't tell me a lot of things anymore, and I tend to ignore the few things it can tell me, or I learn about them too late, like after the moment I might need the information. Today, I think I am a bit hormonal. I have reasonable frustrations, but they are elevated to tears and confusion a bit too quickly for even me to process. My mother died a certain way. It's a horrible way and I'm not sure how the censors would treat it. Or maybe its just horrible to me, like I want it censored from my mind. It's ironic really, she would never allow me to see scary movies growing up because she was so worried about a horrible image indelibly marking my mind. And here, her death, is the most indellible mark of all. Movies show the way my mom died quite frequently, particularly in Westerns- so you could probably guess how. I'm thinking about the closet she died in today- which is a new thought for me, and the unbearable tragedy of how alone she was- which is a reocurring thought. That closet was at my grandparents home. They have packed up and moved now, to get away, and because she was the one taking care of them, even though, of course, nobody gave her credit for it, or helped her do it. They also, including my grandparents, wouldn't help her with herself, but that is another post. I guess that room was her's growing up, or at least in high school, when they moved into the house. The Valley was a new place then, and there were dirt roads on the way to her high school, the same high school I went to 30 years later. When I was a kid my aunt was living in that room. She, like all of us, moved in and out of my grandparents house sometimes. At that time she was in wardrobe, and costumes, for movies, and she had the most fun things in that closet. A keystone cop hat, a Southern Belle ballgown, a Dr. Spock looking head thing with pointy ears, wigs with long long blond hair, and disco clothes- sparkly gowns, tiaras, high heels. She would dress my sister and I up in all these clothes and we would parade around the house like disco queens. My parents would laugh and we would worship my pretty, slightly drug addicted, stand up comedian aunt. When she started to find god, we spent time in that closet finding material and glitter and items to tear up, in order to make crowns and capes for the Virgin. We would decorate her and make her beautiful, and parade our queen around the house the same way we had paraded as disco royalty. This creeped my parents out quite a bit, but we still loved it. Then my aunt moved out and it became a closet full of games and joke books. I actually suspect those things had been in there all along, but we didn't notice them because of all the other great stuff. We ran up to grab a game, or my cousins and I would sit in the room and tell each other jokes out of the book. My mom moved into that room only a few months before she killed herself. It was her final room, she had gone back to that place she had been a teenager. After my mom died, my grandmother announced that my sisters and I needed to clean out her room immediatly. The room was so filled, even her bed was covered. Either she had given up sleeping altogether, or, as I suspected, she had curled up around the stuff for the 2-3 hours of sleep she had a night. She didn't need sleep, only during her lows did she need sleep, and her room brimmed with crap. I won't get into the room right now. We saved the closet for last, each of us standing in the place she died, imagining the moment at different times throughout the day. My friend who helped clean the room, she didn't realize that we were all pausing in that space, although she knew the spot, and I think she paused there for a moment as well. We found many disco jackets from when my aunt lived in that room, and lots of games stacked on the floor from when it was a game closet. Honestly, I can't remember everything I found in there, and some of it were signs of her spiralling down- lists, notes, accusations piled all over the room. The book Beloved confirmed to me that my sisters and I had been in danger for our lives at times. When we were alone, my sisters and I puzzled over the mechanics of her death, something even the autopsy report hasn't fully explained to us, we puzzled over the closet door, the light fixture above. I don't understand. I don't understand any of it. Why didn't anybody help when we were begging for it, how could she love me and still do it, how did she actually do it? Did she change her mind in the middle? Without getting into details, she must have followed through to the very end, even when her body was giving her its stress indicators. I don't understand how she fought nature so completely, how she could be so intent on dying that she overrode the body's desire to take another breath. She may have had a little drugs in her system, I found some blow in the drawer, but for the most part, she was not sedated, she did it, or the sickness did it, but really she did it, and in that closet that I know so well, with all those pretty things around her...

I'm sorry, I stole this from ilaxstudio. I love it!!

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

Well, fall break means spring cleaning for me. I finally unpacked from all the trips I've had to go on over the past three months- I'd actually just kept a suitcase on the ground and kept repacking it! It feels really nice. I also finally found a cheap duvet cover on Overstock.com. It was under $30 and wasn't scratchy- apparently a tall order because I have spent six months looking for one. If you want something that doesn't make you wish you didn't have skin, you have to spend $100, except at Overstock. Although, I've got to say, my sister loves Overstock, but I am often very creeped out by the commercials. "Do you have the O in your life". I think it sounds like orgasms, and then I feel bad for having a mind in the gutter, and then I realized that other people thought that too. I don't appreciate feeling guilty about the gutter- I want to revel in the gutter.... The other hot news, I've watched so many Grey's Anatomy episodes that I'm beginning to think I'm a skinny actress who plays a doctor on TV. It's getting in my head, but I used the shows to help motivate cleaning last night- I kept watching while picking up endless junk. I still need to wipe everything down, but the hard part is over, now I wish I had a friend or someone coming to visit. Really, very few people have seen our beautiful house, and we are so happy here, I just want to show somebody. I wish my family would come visit. Is it ironic that I headed out there at least six times within this year, and I can't get a trip back from any one of them? It's a bit of an exageration because my sister got married, but I'm telling you, she visited me once last November (my first birthday since my mom died- it was very difficult and my sisters came out the following weekend) and made a federal case about having to stay at a hotel and how inconvenient the whole thing was, and how she hates Southern food and missed her boyfriend. I mean, I do it all the time- although I love California food, and don't throw the hissy fit she did for ONE two day visit. I wish sometimes I could get her back. Or even stay mad at her. I know I do things that make her angry, different things than what she does to make me angry, but I don't stay furious and resentful the way she does, and I hate it when she is mad at me. I guess I just solved my own problem. It must be unpleasant to be mad at somebody over silly things, I am lucky to not retain petty anger, but it makes me feel bad about myself to have somebody angry at me if I step out of line even slightly, or not at all, she just misunderstood the situation, or is angry about something that I said that I didn't realize would make her angry. I feel like I have to be perfect around my own sister, walk on glass. I thought you got to be imperfect around your family and they would love you anyways. I guess I solved my problem again, she is such an angry person. But that makes me sad for her. I love her and want the best for her. And then the cycle starts again. My mom was like this, drew strength from her anger, and from watching people do everything to avoid that anger. It felt good, and made her feel powerful, and we would all be so sad that she felt so powerless, that we let her terrorize us. My sister is doing the same, and she is so young, but it is effective. I don't know how to undo it, it makes me very confused. Maybe I should get a book on enabling. I think sometimes she deserves to be angry, sometimes I do things wrong, but she forgets that I on her side, like she needs to discipline me or something, when I'm now interested in purposefully hurting her. Sometimes I think she purposefully tries to hurt me when she perceives a lack of 100% attention to her feelings on my part- but maybe I'm just being paranoid myself. All I know is that she is somehow the responsible one, even though she is the younger one, yet I'm still somehow in a mother position with her. It's like I'm that housewife type mother who annoys her children and willingly takes their disrespect. I understand she has a lot of anger, and that she has been through a tough life, but I'm not her mother, and I've shared that tough life. I wish I knew how to balance love and caring with self-respect.
Not that this is much help, but here is a self-esteem boosting website: http://www.43things.com/things/view/159663

Goodness, I had the worst night sleep- couldn't calm down, was stressed in my sleep, had some uncomfortable dreams about my boss/professor. Dreams like that can really change how you look at somebody. I mean, i once dated a guy after having a dream about him. I hadn't really noticed the guy before, except that I knew he liked me, and then I had this crazy dream, and suddenly i couldn't get enough. I don't expect that to happen with this guy, but wow, if I was in a different place in my life...
I don't know why it was so hard to sleep, I just couldn't get comfortable, and now my neck hurts sooo bad. I went to acupuncture yesterday and was pretty relaxed and tired. I think I may have gotten too much sleep during the day, but now it is 1:30 and I have a lot to do, including responding to e-mails, and I just don't wanna.

Okay, busy day, and felt about one step behing at all times. I had a confusing discussion with my therapist today. I feel like I walk between borders in relationships- I wear many hats and am friends with contradictory people, and I worry I lie too much in my everyday life, while simultaneously try really hard to be honest- to the point that I am constantly second guessing and correcting my lies. I don't know why I tell little lies, it drives me crazy and makes me seem more insecure than I am, always having to correct lies. I hate it. But I got confused in therapy about what I was trying to talk about- something about how I admire grounded people, and grounded people seem to have strong support systems, like grandmas and parents, that tell them they are doing well, and I don't have that in my family, but I would like to build it outside, except I don't get close to people, and tell all those damn lies. She said that she felt like she was making sense of it, but then time ran out, so I guess I will have to wait for the Holy Grail until next week...

it won't let me post what I want, but there are some great sites with great photos if you have the time to look (and are a grown up and not a prude- give me a break!)

Actually, while I don't want to go too crazy with standards of beauty and pin ups to make me feel better (after all, these are still the women on gas station walls- not something I aspire too- or at least I only partially aspire to it), I still think there are a lot of amazing photos that prove that style changes, but confidence is still the sexiest

fat clothes to make me skinny

Alright. I was feeling okay about myself this weekend. Lots of sleep, great week last week, feeling comfortable in my own skin, so I decided it was the right time to make a much needed to trip to the store to find some nice casuals. I never buy casual clothes, only going out clothes, and I usually end up either really frumpy at school because the stuff is really old going out clothes, or dressed in kind of expensive clothes that look like I'm trying too hard. Which I am, but I don't want people to know. Either way, I can still button the buttons and zip the zippers, but my old things just aren't fitting me anymore. This would be okay if my stomach were a bit more muscular or my face was a tiny bit thinner, but right now, it just isn't okay, and I walk around all day feeling miserable, which then leads me to just not care about how I look, and then to eat the first thing in front of me. It feels like a cycle. Well, with these extensions I've been getting some attention, strangers have been telling me I'm beautiful, and I miss that, and I need to get a waistline back so I can feel more comfortable (and more sexy). I know the only way to gain confindence, adn therefore the self-discipline to lose weight, is to have clothes that fit. I think. Well, I blew through Old Navy just now and bought things in sizes I didn't know existed (I'm proportionate, so people often don't realize how overweight I am, including myself), and I think I got some great stuff, and stuff that I can look less frumpy in. My sister told me a while ago that she didn't think I had put on as much weight as I thought I had, it was jsut that I walked around in the wrong stuff, and I think she was partially right. I mean, really, I'm only up about two sizes, but that is about 30 pounds and I gotta lose it, but the point is, I can buy a few seperates, add them to the things that still fit in my wardrobe, and not start crying every morning before school, or every time D wants to run out to grab a beer or a casual dinner. I mean, the smallest errands have turned into productions because I have to work so hard to make my clothes look right, and now, with the right sizes and also with some cute new casuals, I can throw something on and feel like my boyfriend is still proud to be seen with me. In this way I'm turning into my mother, obsessed with looking hot for her man (my dad).

More contradictions. Aren't I too old to be so completely confused about my identity?
Of course, I guess I'm not confused if I know when something represents me...

Little anarchist babies in a $700 Badgley Mishka dress

Breakthrough alert

So, I just realized why I've been so obsessed with babies and getting married lately. For one, my sister just got married and it hadn't occurred to me, really, to do that before, so I'm inspired and like the idea. But I just realized that there is more (which I suspected when I though it was only inspired by my sister, I mean, I'm not exactly the domestic type, I'd rather spent $700 on a designer dress and never enter one of those-gag- bridal shops in my whole life- is it me or do they truly smell bad? Like dirty diapers, like the worst kind of foreshadowing). I think what it is more about is that I can accomplish marriage and family. I've avoided it for years because I've always known it was available to me. I say I'm a bad girlfriend, but in a lot of ways I'm a good one, and I've narrowly avoided marriage several times- first when I was 19 (which is why I was so jealous at my sister's wedding- I want to throw a party for myself for NOT getting married). I am far more scared of not finishing my PhD. It is far more of a challenge, and feels foreign. I can't picture my life in five years, which scares me, while I could picture life with a child and a husband. I don't know if I want to be an academic because I don't fit in here, but that seems like it shouldn't matter- just gotta find a tougher, less kiss ass, crowd. I'm reading an article about dissertation writing, and realizing that not picturing the future is the scariest part. I mean, I always have a plan. Ever since I was a kid. I knew I had to get out, and college got me out and paid rent, then I knew I had to go home, and bartending helped me take care of my sister and try to get my mom help, then I knew I had to grow up, and graduate school had always seemed like a great goal, and non corporate to boot. Now I'm confused. My mom finally killed herself, my sister grew up, and I'm doing this for me. for me. And I can't picture the future. Which is very uncomfortable. At least picturing children makes it less about me. And I've never accomplished something just for me. I often get a lot of credit for how much I've done for my family, and even for not ending up more screwed up than I am. I get credit in grad school sometimes for obviosly being a bit from the wrong side of the track (although this pains me a lot more frequently), yet all of these accomplishments are about survival, not about fufillment of goals. I stayed at the line for my whole life, which is an accomplishment, but I'd like to go above the line for once. Accomplish something without that "despite hardships" clause hooked in. Still, people are amazed I wrote most of my master's last year, when i was in the dark so deep about my mom's suicide. Another accomplishment despite. Children would provide the same "despite". I'd like to do something without a martyership involved. Maybe thats crazy, maybe I should just pop some out- i'd be a good mom, and that would feel good. should I tell D? ;) i love him. oh, probably the other reason I think about marriage- I am actually willing to marry him- the first for me...

It's all about profits folks

I think it is really interesting that the cloning service shut down because nobody would go for it. It proves that people can complain all they want, it is the dollar that speaks the loudest. I'm not even all that excited about cost/demand style economic justifications, but sometimes I'm proven wrong. (this is a cloned kitten)
Note:

Cc,or Copycat, the world's first cloned kitten, in 2002. Genetic Savings and Clone is closing up shop on after its pet cat cloning service failed to win a profitable following.(AFP/HO/File)

and now that i get it, I should go do some work...

awsome

Experiments

Okay, just for experiment's sake. I'm going to try to add a link and a photo.
here

We'll see if that works (good bra link again)
Also, I want to add something from the internet, we'll see if that works... (I dream of a badgley mischka wedding dress). I'd better start cleaning and making breakfast if I ever want to get to that day :)
I'd also like to know what this block quote thing is:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee."
"Let us fly," said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
-Anonymous

LaZy

Well, now I slept until one, feels like an improvement, but I really wanted to wake up this morning. I was also up until 5 am last night, I feel like a teenager on the weekends- won't go to sleep, no matter what. I don't know what that's about. I feel like it is alone time, but I think I could probably find other alone time if I tried. My cat is licking the blinds right now, it is sooooo annoying when she does that. I need to grade 100 papers, read about 75 pages, and critiqe two people's grant applications. I also need to remember to drop a class tomorrow and I should go to the grocery store and buy healthy food. I also need to clean. D is so good about both cleaning and going to the grocery store- it's just that I want to buy healthier foods. Also, the mess is all mine, and he just stacks it and never complains- it really isn't cool of me. I never thought of myself as lazy before because I always have so much on my plate, but I'm beginning to think I am lazy. I just don't want to do certain things, so I don't do them. Do you think yoga would help with self discipline? It's the same with diets- luckily I prefer healthy foods- but I'll eat a whole pizza without noticing, and I gain weight! I'm not one of those lucky skinny girls- my cholesteral is only good because I eat healthy 75% of the time, but my weight is no good because of those undisciplined spurges. Very bad. Want to get that under control as well. I don't need to lose 30 pounds- I was a coked out bartender three years ago when I was thin- but maybe 15? School, and losing my mom, has been a very weight gaining experience. Damn all those people who lose weight when they are stressed, or just had a baby. I doubt I'm one of those as well. Wow, I'm kind of down on myself right now, cuz I was going to add that D just walked in and asked what I made for breakfast, which I didn't, and then told me coffee was ready, which he made. He was joking around, but I feel bad, like not a good woman. I told him I'd go get him some coffee. Dog's barking... Hmm, just figued out link. I'll link the greatest bra info ever-here.
Damn, still don't know how to make it like my words link up. How do you do that?