Well, fall break means spring cleaning for me. I finally unpacked from all the trips I've had to go on over the past three months- I'd actually just kept a suitcase on the ground and kept repacking it! It feels really nice. I also finally found a cheap duvet cover on Overstock.com. It was under $30 and wasn't scratchy- apparently a tall order because I have spent six months looking for one. If you want something that doesn't make you wish you didn't have skin, you have to spend $100, except at Overstock. Although, I've got to say, my sister loves Overstock, but I am often very creeped out by the commercials. "Do you have the O in your life". I think it sounds like orgasms, and then I feel bad for having a mind in the gutter, and then I realized that other people thought that too. I don't appreciate feeling guilty about the gutter- I want to revel in the gutter.... The other hot news, I've watched so many Grey's Anatomy episodes that I'm beginning to think I'm a skinny actress who plays a doctor on TV. It's getting in my head, but I used the shows to help motivate cleaning last night- I kept watching while picking up endless junk. I still need to wipe everything down, but the hard part is over, now I wish I had a friend or someone coming to visit. Really, very few people have seen our beautiful house, and we are so happy here, I just want to show somebody. I wish my family would come visit. Is it ironic that I headed out there at least six times within this year, and I can't get a trip back from any one of them? It's a bit of an exageration because my sister got married, but I'm telling you, she visited me once last November (my first birthday since my mom died- it was very difficult and my sisters came out the following weekend) and made a federal case about having to stay at a hotel and how inconvenient the whole thing was, and how she hates Southern food and missed her boyfriend. I mean, I do it all the time- although I love California food, and don't throw the hissy fit she did for ONE two day visit. I wish sometimes I could get her back. Or even stay mad at her. I know I do things that make her angry, different things than what she does to make me angry, but I don't stay furious and resentful the way she does, and I hate it when she is mad at me. I guess I just solved my own problem. It must be unpleasant to be mad at somebody over silly things, I am lucky to not retain petty anger, but it makes me feel bad about myself to have somebody angry at me if I step out of line even slightly, or not at all, she just misunderstood the situation, or is angry about something that I said that I didn't realize would make her angry. I feel like I have to be perfect around my own sister, walk on glass. I thought you got to be imperfect around your family and they would love you anyways. I guess I solved my problem again, she is such an angry person. But that makes me sad for her. I love her and want the best for her. And then the cycle starts again. My mom was like this, drew strength from her anger, and from watching people do everything to avoid that anger. It felt good, and made her feel powerful, and we would all be so sad that she felt so powerless, that we let her terrorize us. My sister is doing the same, and she is so young, but it is effective. I don't know how to undo it, it makes me very confused. Maybe I should get a book on enabling. I think sometimes she deserves to be angry, sometimes I do things wrong, but she forgets that I on her side, like she needs to discipline me or something, when I'm now interested in purposefully hurting her. Sometimes I think she purposefully tries to hurt me when she perceives a lack of 100% attention to her feelings on my part- but maybe I'm just being paranoid myself. All I know is that she is somehow the responsible one, even though she is the younger one, yet I'm still somehow in a mother position with her. It's like I'm that housewife type mother who annoys her children and willingly takes their disrespect. I understand she has a lot of anger, and that she has been through a tough life, but I'm not her mother, and I've shared that tough life. I wish I knew how to balance love and caring with self-respect.
Not that this is much help, but here is a self-esteem boosting website: http://www.43things.com/things/view/159663