Success!

So, all my laziness and procrastination, and childish decisions (ahem, party until 6 am) totally paid off!!! My presentation went so well, that the question and answer period went 30 minutes overtime!!! Also, two of the best professors in my department came, which is TWO more than at any other student presentation. Famous ones. Ones who I really care what they think. And they stayed the whole time!! Although it was a little embarressing when I quoted one of them- I didn't think he would be coming- you never expect the people you quote to be sitting there in the room. The whole experience was so validating. Like, I put in some work, then spoke on what I have studied, then asked for feedback and guidance on what to look at next. I even had some students who have dismissed me in the past, confide some of their insecurities to me afterwords!!! I've never had that happen before- treated like a peer, instead of either a) kind of a silly girl with a fluff topic (happens to blond gigglers from the Valley) or b) treated like a fragile person dealing with horrific tragedy (mom's suicide last year). I was actually treated like a colleague. I always asume that my ranking in my department is the lowest, or just one above the girl who has trouble with English, but I really feel some confidence after today. Maybe my ranking is higher than I thought, or maybe, more likely, it could be in the future with some work. I really needed this dose of confidence. I get so scared that I am going to fizzle, I really worked myself up on this one, even fought with D in the morning, and forgot stuff all over town, which doubled my getting to the presentation time from two hours to four (I kept having to run back to the car, find a coffee shop that was open, forgot my ATM card and had to write myself a check and go to the bank and cash it!) Then I thought nobody was going to show up except the person who was supposed to publicize it, because he forgot to publicize it well. Well, that just didn't happen, and it was amazing... I get so scared I'm never going to do more. I want to turn this talk, and a topic inspired by this talk, into journal articles, but I am just so tired. This is where the anti-depressent thing really sounds good- imagine how much I could do if I wasn't so tired and choked up all the time. At the same time, do I really want to be a super productive robot??? Okay, I"m going to live on this for a while, not get too negative.