Panics

Well, I went to the doctor today, at the urging of my boyfriend and therapist, and found out what was going on. What felt like chest contrictions, etc, was esophagul spasms, from an excess in stomach acid and indigestion, brought on by stress (or no stress, as my case entailed- I guess you would call it residual stress). She said that the pain and difficulty breathing could easily induce panic, because its freakin scary. They did an EKG- which means they attached electrodes to my chest and then a print out of my heart rythems were produced by a machine. I need to take a acid pill every morning, take some Mylanta if things feel contricted again, in order to smooth the spasms, and I need to be very careful what I eat. I had soup and the turkey part of the turkey burger tonight- I think that was okay. She also wants me to consider going on anti-anxiety medication. She said I needed to make an appointment with the psychiatrist and I needed to explore my options. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, these bodily stress indicators pop up so suddenly for me, and so dramatically, that I can only imagine what is going on beneath the surface everyday, and I'd like to relieve some of that pressure on my body. I mean, I quit drugs cuz it ages you- I'd certainly rather age having a good time than having such a difficult time! On the other hand, I'm really scared of regulating my body to a chemical, gaining weight, and losing my ability to monitor what's going on with myself in a natural state. I mean, I don't even like the birth control pill and would rather risk pregnancy than submit control to a chemical. I am always on high alert for symptoms that might be like my mother's, and I don't want to mask symptoms, or start to rely on medication when I am still in my twenties. Also, I don't think people truly understand what these chemicals do. Now that I am in a PhD program, and see how many dumbasses there are around me, and I can't spell worth a sh*t, the power of MDs have been really demystified for me. They are smart people who went to school for a long time, but they are not god-like- which is how I think I viewed them before. It just worries me, but I don't want to be this run down during the day, and hyper at night, and constantly in pain and on the verge of a meltdown, and I don't want to melt down. I also don't want to be a zombie- but I think the medications are probably streamlined enough at this point that my risk lies more in weight gain and sexual disintrest, rather than zombie-ville. This all makes me really frustrated and angry. I don't want to deal with this. I just want it all to go away. I don't have time...But I just can't catch my breath.