girls like me

See, everybody made fun of my sister because she got engaged six months after my mom's suicide. As if she is weak, and can't be alone and dealt with the death this way. Then she started her own family, and was cruel to me, the only one who understood, in the process. The wedding was so hard for me, because I was jealous of the love and attention she was getting, love and attention that I so desperately needed, albeit in a different form from a ridiculously overpriced wedding. It was also hard on me because she withdrew. She is the only one to can relate to the childhood we shared, and she took herself away from me. Not only did I not receive the love I needed last year, but I lost some. I ended up at a deficit. Plus, I'm not that much better than her. My relationship at the time was only six months old. D is an amazing person, and possibly the person I belong with at this point in my life, but it certainly fast forwarded the relationship in some ways, brought out some of the crazies in my life sooner than they would have been brought out, and masked some of the problems. I often have a sense in my relationship with D that he is having a relationship with somebody that isn't me. Whenever I try to verify this feeling, I am proven wrong and it is illustrated for me how well he knows me, and how much he cares. So I can't figure out what this feeling is. I worry it is basic incompatibility, that has been masked by the roles we took up when my mom killed herself- me: damaged, sad, depressed, needy girl, Him: strong, savior, thoughtful guy. I think these roles were good for him, because he was so needed. I needed him so bad, and felt so alone. My friends were no good to me, my sister disappeared fairly quickly after that, and I was on the other side of the country from a world I understood, and needed him. Now things are changing, have been changing, for a while. Girls like me, who've been through the ringer, we are so happy when somebody is nice to us, that we don't expect anything more. All my boyfriends have loved dating me, because I am so excited they are nice to me, and they are nice to me, that I don't ask for much more. I don't date jerks- I am so lucky that I am not so damaged as to seek out people who are mean to me, or hit me or something. I date nice guys, and I dump them after a little bit because I'm so disgusted by their puppy dog acts, by their knowledge that I'm so thrilled that they are being nice to me that I'll do anything to keep that niceness up. That's the thing. D's dog slept in the bed with us for the full first year and a half we were dating. He took up space and jerked around in his sleep. It kept me up all night, and I didn't say a word, except that I didn't sleep over when I had something to do in the morning, which always worried me, because I didn't like to disappoint my boyfriend if he wanted me to sleep over. When we moved in together, I used the excuse of a white comforter to keep the dog off the bed. I realized yesterday, that D keeps me up at night, every night, as well. He jerks around and grinds his teeth, and I wake up in the morning feeling so angry, and I never said anything until yesterday, because he was a jerk in his sleep the night before when i told him to stop grinding his teeth, and it upset me enough that I said something in the morning. Like I feared, he was upset to be accused of being a jerk when it wasn't his fault. He reared into defensive, and I realized I had never said anything like this before. He knew he ground his teeth and that I stopped him in his sleep- but he didn't psychicly know how much it disturbed me... I'm not sure where I'm going with this...
Well, today's fight, he cancelled my birthday dinner because he forgot he cut up his credit card earlier in the month, and he ordered a new one, and we would have dinner then. It was the strangest moment. He had been out of town on my birthday, something I had been incredibly understanding about, and he got me a computer book, something I had taken in stride, even though all I want from him is a nice card and a free show at the museum. Then, when he got back, he said nothing for two days. I decided that I've learned that I don't always tell him what i want, so I sent him some events that were coming up the Saturday and labeled it "birthday ideas". He yelled from the next room that he was going to be busy Saturday and wouldn't be able to do it. I sat there in nothingness, not because he couldn't do it, but because he felt totally confident that I would be cool with his yelling from the next room. And he was right, because I said nothing. Then, despite how busy he is, he left to go play a game for the team he is a part of. He must have realized when he was gone that he hadn't done anything, nor said anything, about my birthday, because he really is very sensitive, and when he came home, he got on one knee, and asked me out to dinner. It was cute, I forgave him, and we made plans for Friday. Today, I was sitting on the couch, drinking my coffee, thinking about what to wear and where we should go, and if I should wash my hair now or later, and he casually, again, told me about cutting up the credit card, guess we'll have to do it later. Again, I'm cool and understanding- not like other girls, high maintenance selfish girls, I should be understanding of his embarrassment of having money problems, and go with the flow. I didn't. And he was so mad he broke dishes. He broke dishes! He said I was a spoiled little brat and so on. This is why I'm scared. I don't even want to go to an expensive dinner. I want a card telling me he loves me. I want to go to a free show at the museum. I want him to know me, to date me, to love me, and i feel like he is dating somebody else, somebody who wants all the things I don't even desire. He yelled at this other person, was red with fury, and I ran into the bedroom. Then we spent nearly two hours not understanding each other. He and i are such different people. Yes, I like nice dinners, because I can slow him down at them, enjoy several hours of his time, get his complete attention, dream about the future. If I could get that in any ANY other setting, i would prefer it, because I am sick of butter covered vegetables and roasted animals that I could cook better at home. He went on about how he does all the cleaning at home, and is always happy to pick me up or drop me off places, how he is the most considerate boyfriend, and how I have some nerve implying that he isn't. Even when we got past the spoiled brat stuff, and the fact that money isn't the issue, he still doesn't understand. He thinks I shouldn't dwell on the negative, that I should appreciate the good, etc. He's right, and I do do that, but I can't help but feel that I don't want the dishes done, I don't want the puppy dog, I want a man who writes me a card telling me how he really feels, I want to know he wants to date ME, not a girl he has invented, or a girl so damaged she molds into whatever he wants. I'm so scared, he is the best guy I have ever known, and I keep fearing that I'm so messed up that I can't sustain a relationship, but we value different things, we have different needs, I'm not even sure I'm doing the best for him that somebody could. He is so wonderful, and I don't want to let him go, but there are some things you can't explain, and I'm not sure what to do. And, of course, my best friends are in different time zones (China, Paris, and Los Angeles) and I'm just not sure I fit in in the world D and I have created here.